Friday, July 02, 2010
Learning to be Married
There was a good (and lengthy) read in this past weekend's Washington Post about marriage and how individuals find themselves ill prepared for the dynamic, often leading to divorce. I found it interesting on many levels, and everyone - no matter where your marriage is or how it functions - could probably benefit from the various approaches and scenarios in the piece.
I see many of the problems mentioned in the Post piece all of the time in court. I have gravitated away from handling divorces (by choice), but I oftentimes end up collaterally involved in them, either by way of representing the child as a Guardian ad Litem, in an Order of Protection linked to the divorce, or in Juvenile Court when one party makes allegations of dependency and neglect as a way of making headway in the divorce when the divorce judge has perhaps not seen aspects of the custody battle to the litigant's liking.
Please don't take this as bragging or anything of the sort, but I am truly blessed with my marriage. Angela and I don't really fight. On the surface, people may have a hard time believing that, with 2 lawyers who both work together in the same firm. After all, lawyers like to argue, right? But Angela and I really don't. When we have problems, we have problems, as in we have a problem with something that we will work together to overcome. Money, sex, in-laws - we have the same issues as other married couples, but we simply approach them constructively and as a team. That's why Angela is the perfect person for me to work with. If we have a problem at home, we develop a plan and work together to get over it. If one of us has a problem with a case at work, we do the same thing.
But I think that our marriage (and our work relationship) is probably a product of what we strive to be as individuals. Angela has a servant's heart, a direct product of her deep Christian faith. Our firm last year represented 99% indigent Tennesseans - men, women, and children. We are compensated for our work, but it is a form of service, as we take many cases that others within our profession would rather not touch.
And that selflessness is the key, in my opinion. The biggest problem I see in court - particularly in divorces but also in child support cases, child abuse, child dependency and neglect actions, and the like - is selfishness. People put themselves - their lust for flesh, their lust for money, their love of illegal drugs and the irresponsible actions that come from getting high, their love of being a child's friend in order to gain acceptance by the child instead of being a child's parent - above all else.
Angela is not a selfish person. She wasn't before, and she has become even less so since the birth of our two wonderful sons. I don't believe that I am a selfish person, and whenever I start to feel that some selfish needs are slipping into my psyche, I try to remember some lessons I learned long ago in Neyland Stadium way back in 1997. Although some people may not remember the group these days, Promise Keepers had a conference in Knoxville that summer. Not only did I recognize Jesus Christ as my own personal Lord and Savior that weekend, but I also saw great men - men like Tony Evans and Wellington Boone - talk about the need to serve as recognized in The Bible. They spoke with such passion that they made it almost seem like a competition. I remember Tony Evans yelling, "You WILL NOT outserve me!" That was over a decade ago - and it seems longer than that - but I still recall those words on a regular basis.
And that is what marriage has to be, in my opinion - two equally-yoked individuals serving together. Serving their children, serving each other, serving their community, and, through all of that, serving their God. Yes, it is important to know how to fight as a married couple, as well as how to manage money, prioritize decisions, learn to communicate, and all of the other marriage skills that counselors and marriage programs (such as the one described in the Post article)consider vital to marital survival. But all of that seems like details if you both are working together and not letting all of the other stuff divide you as a couple. Those skills mentioned above should be available for when something goes wrong.
I remember the old Athletic Director at ETSU, Keener Fry (who is currently Assistant AD at the University of Wyoming), speaking to our tennis team after we reported to campus for fall semester. Keener had just been named AD, and he was addressing each team individually as we went through such things as NCAA regulations, standards of conduct, and the like. One thing that Keener spent some time on was advice for life in the form of a list (which he had not authored but had provided to us nonetheless). I believe there were 22 points, many of them self-evident. While Keener acknowledged that these points were all important, two of them were vital: being as educated as you can be, and choosing the perfect mate for you as a spouse. And even with that, only the second one of those would be directly proportional to the happiness you would experience in life.
In the Post article, McCarthy writes the following:
And I think that is the crux of the article. Some of us are pairings of penny-pinching, Big Orange, conservative night owls. Those are the lucky ones who need to keep selfishness out of their marriage but, if they can do so, have the world at their fingertips. But most couples are just trying to be satisfied with what they have, working somehow to arrive at the level where the morning bird and the night owl are doing enough in the name of each other to keep one of them from flying the coup.
I see many of the problems mentioned in the Post piece all of the time in court. I have gravitated away from handling divorces (by choice), but I oftentimes end up collaterally involved in them, either by way of representing the child as a Guardian ad Litem, in an Order of Protection linked to the divorce, or in Juvenile Court when one party makes allegations of dependency and neglect as a way of making headway in the divorce when the divorce judge has perhaps not seen aspects of the custody battle to the litigant's liking.
Please don't take this as bragging or anything of the sort, but I am truly blessed with my marriage. Angela and I don't really fight. On the surface, people may have a hard time believing that, with 2 lawyers who both work together in the same firm. After all, lawyers like to argue, right? But Angela and I really don't. When we have problems, we have problems, as in we have a problem with something that we will work together to overcome. Money, sex, in-laws - we have the same issues as other married couples, but we simply approach them constructively and as a team. That's why Angela is the perfect person for me to work with. If we have a problem at home, we develop a plan and work together to get over it. If one of us has a problem with a case at work, we do the same thing.
But I think that our marriage (and our work relationship) is probably a product of what we strive to be as individuals. Angela has a servant's heart, a direct product of her deep Christian faith. Our firm last year represented 99% indigent Tennesseans - men, women, and children. We are compensated for our work, but it is a form of service, as we take many cases that others within our profession would rather not touch.
And that selflessness is the key, in my opinion. The biggest problem I see in court - particularly in divorces but also in child support cases, child abuse, child dependency and neglect actions, and the like - is selfishness. People put themselves - their lust for flesh, their lust for money, their love of illegal drugs and the irresponsible actions that come from getting high, their love of being a child's friend in order to gain acceptance by the child instead of being a child's parent - above all else.
Angela is not a selfish person. She wasn't before, and she has become even less so since the birth of our two wonderful sons. I don't believe that I am a selfish person, and whenever I start to feel that some selfish needs are slipping into my psyche, I try to remember some lessons I learned long ago in Neyland Stadium way back in 1997. Although some people may not remember the group these days, Promise Keepers had a conference in Knoxville that summer. Not only did I recognize Jesus Christ as my own personal Lord and Savior that weekend, but I also saw great men - men like Tony Evans and Wellington Boone - talk about the need to serve as recognized in The Bible. They spoke with such passion that they made it almost seem like a competition. I remember Tony Evans yelling, "You WILL NOT outserve me!" That was over a decade ago - and it seems longer than that - but I still recall those words on a regular basis.
And that is what marriage has to be, in my opinion - two equally-yoked individuals serving together. Serving their children, serving each other, serving their community, and, through all of that, serving their God. Yes, it is important to know how to fight as a married couple, as well as how to manage money, prioritize decisions, learn to communicate, and all of the other marriage skills that counselors and marriage programs (such as the one described in the Post article)consider vital to marital survival. But all of that seems like details if you both are working together and not letting all of the other stuff divide you as a couple. Those skills mentioned above should be available for when something goes wrong.
I remember the old Athletic Director at ETSU, Keener Fry (who is currently Assistant AD at the University of Wyoming), speaking to our tennis team after we reported to campus for fall semester. Keener had just been named AD, and he was addressing each team individually as we went through such things as NCAA regulations, standards of conduct, and the like. One thing that Keener spent some time on was advice for life in the form of a list (which he had not authored but had provided to us nonetheless). I believe there were 22 points, many of them self-evident. While Keener acknowledged that these points were all important, two of them were vital: being as educated as you can be, and choosing the perfect mate for you as a spouse. And even with that, only the second one of those would be directly proportional to the happiness you would experience in life.
In the Post article, McCarthy writes the following:
A morning bird and a night owl won't ever fully eliminate their differences; nor will a spendthrift and a penny pincher. What distinguished satisfied couples from the miserable ones, he found, was how creatively and constructively they managed those differences.
And I think that is the crux of the article. Some of us are pairings of penny-pinching, Big Orange, conservative night owls. Those are the lucky ones who need to keep selfishness out of their marriage but, if they can do so, have the world at their fingertips. But most couples are just trying to be satisfied with what they have, working somehow to arrive at the level where the morning bird and the night owl are doing enough in the name of each other to keep one of them from flying the coup.
Labels: Christianity, Divorce, Family
Monday, June 28, 2010
A Deep Sigh
My absence from blogging has not been the result of a conscience decision. I simply have not had the time for it. With the rise of Facebook, the little time that I do have is usually spent over there.
The primary drain on my time is work. Every week has seen me at the office for numerous all-nighters, sometimes spending over 110 hours per week working for Tennessee's children and indigent adults. It's trying work, and I'm admittedly not sure how much longer I can keep up this pace. Every year I say that I am going to work less than the previous year, and every year I end up letting myself down.
My boys have also been a welcome drain on my time. Leo amazes me every day with what he says, what he has learned, and how he is so much like his Daddy. Wil continues to grow; the days where we weren't sure he was going to make it seem like a distant dream. Angela is afraid that they both are "Daddy's boys," and she is probably right.
I am not abandoning this blog. I have a few points that need to be made over the time leading up to the elections this year, and this remains the best medium to do so. If anyone is still reading this blog (and I wouldn't blame anyone for having left with my unexplained absence), then you should have a few posts to look forward to as we go through the remainder of 2010.
The primary drain on my time is work. Every week has seen me at the office for numerous all-nighters, sometimes spending over 110 hours per week working for Tennessee's children and indigent adults. It's trying work, and I'm admittedly not sure how much longer I can keep up this pace. Every year I say that I am going to work less than the previous year, and every year I end up letting myself down.
My boys have also been a welcome drain on my time. Leo amazes me every day with what he says, what he has learned, and how he is so much like his Daddy. Wil continues to grow; the days where we weren't sure he was going to make it seem like a distant dream. Angela is afraid that they both are "Daddy's boys," and she is probably right.
I am not abandoning this blog. I have a few points that need to be made over the time leading up to the elections this year, and this remains the best medium to do so. If anyone is still reading this blog (and I wouldn't blame anyone for having left with my unexplained absence), then you should have a few posts to look forward to as we go through the remainder of 2010.
Labels: Family, Firm Life, Leonidas, Wil
Friday, January 08, 2010
Snow Day - Knoxville-style
It's funny. Snow days with kids are more fun than snow days as a kid.
Here's my video proof (my first videos with the new Sharper Image camera, which is my excuse for the horrid videography) as Leo and Daddy throw down in an epic snowball war.
Here's my video proof (my first videos with the new Sharper Image camera, which is my excuse for the horrid videography) as Leo and Daddy throw down in an epic snowball war.
Labels: Family, Leonidas, Snow
Monday, July 06, 2009
Facinating Thoughts on the Family from the Georgia Bench
I read this column, penned by the Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, and was blown away. I haven't read something so powerful in some time now, particularly in light of what I see everyday in the many manifestations of the aftermath of divorce.
The column is well worth the few minutes it takes to read it.
Labels: Family, Fatherhood, Judiciary, Marriage
Monday, February 09, 2009
RIP, Slammin' Sammy Huddleston
It is with a heavy heart that I announce the sudden and unexpected passing of my best friend for the past 5 years, Slammin' Sammy Huddleston. It is no exaggeration that I have shed more tears for the passing of Sammy and my childhood canine, Buster Spike, than probably any other event in my life.
I may write more later, but I may not. I am very depressed, and the thought of doing anything - including going to court this morning - really doesn't hold much appeal.
Labels: Family, Obituaries
Monday, August 27, 2007
How Time Flies
As y'all know, blogging has taken a massive hit over the past month. I've posted less in August than in any month since I started VOLuntarilyConservative nearly 2 1/2 years ago.
Work has been incredibly busy. When I founded The Huddleston Law Firm in 2005, the whole idea was to let me run the show and not have to answer to liberal partners who tend to micromanage their associates without morals or compassion. I wanted freedom, and I had it. For a while, at least. Starting in September of 2006, my calendar became packed with cases, and it hasn't eased up since. I always wondered how my friends at the larger firms like Sidley Austin and Baker Donelson managed to have 2200 or 2400 billable hours and keep their sanity. As it stands now, I will equal their billable hours for 2007 - and I dare say pull in about half of their salaries. Not that I am complaining, as I never would have dreamed that this Firm would be so successful. It just makes finding time for friends and blogging quite difficult.
Plus, there is the excitement of expecting our first child. Angela is at 23 weeks and still on schedule for a Christmas Eve delivery.
In addition, a personal dream of mine was realized last week. For the first time in my life, I own season tickets to my beloved University of Tennessee Volunteers. While it is true that I have attended over 90% of the games spanning the past 13 years, I have always done so by purchasing tickets or having them given to me by generous friends and family. Not this year, since I have my own pair. To those of you who aren't fanatics of UT football, you may not understand how excited I am, but I have a feeling that there are some out there that just might know the since of pride and fulfillment that I have experienced this past week.
In any case, lots going on around here.
Work has been incredibly busy. When I founded The Huddleston Law Firm in 2005, the whole idea was to let me run the show and not have to answer to liberal partners who tend to micromanage their associates without morals or compassion. I wanted freedom, and I had it. For a while, at least. Starting in September of 2006, my calendar became packed with cases, and it hasn't eased up since. I always wondered how my friends at the larger firms like Sidley Austin and Baker Donelson managed to have 2200 or 2400 billable hours and keep their sanity. As it stands now, I will equal their billable hours for 2007 - and I dare say pull in about half of their salaries. Not that I am complaining, as I never would have dreamed that this Firm would be so successful. It just makes finding time for friends and blogging quite difficult.
Plus, there is the excitement of expecting our first child. Angela is at 23 weeks and still on schedule for a Christmas Eve delivery.
In addition, a personal dream of mine was realized last week. For the first time in my life, I own season tickets to my beloved University of Tennessee Volunteers. While it is true that I have attended over 90% of the games spanning the past 13 years, I have always done so by purchasing tickets or having them given to me by generous friends and family. Not this year, since I have my own pair. To those of you who aren't fanatics of UT football, you may not understand how excited I am, but I have a feeling that there are some out there that just might know the since of pride and fulfillment that I have experienced this past week.
In any case, lots going on around here.
Labels: Family, Firm Life, Football
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Dad on the Net
Congratulations to my father for launching a new website based on electrical consulting. If you need any accident investigations or expert testimony regarding electrical engineering matters, give him a buzz.
MORE: After all, wouldn't you want a guy with personality enough to have the picture below taken helping you?
Picture taken at Bristol International Dragway, June 2007.
MORE: After all, wouldn't you want a guy with personality enough to have the picture below taken helping you?
Picture taken at Bristol International Dragway, June 2007.
Labels: Family
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The "Old" Lady
Guess whose birthday it is today?
Happy Birthday, Angela!
Happy Birthday, Angela!
Monday, February 19, 2007
My Little Man
It was brought to my attention a few weeks back that I hadn't posted a picture of the man of the house in quite a while. By popular demand:
Sammy is pictured here with his Kong. His mother is amazed that such a vile piece of rubber can create so many hours of fun between Sammy and his papa.
UPDATE: If you would like your own little bundle of snortin' fun, you can contact the Boston Terrier Rescue of East Tennessee (where Sammy came from). Here is a list of their current adoptable Bostons.
Sammy is pictured here with his Kong. His mother is amazed that such a vile piece of rubber can create so many hours of fun between Sammy and his papa.
UPDATE: If you would like your own little bundle of snortin' fun, you can contact the Boston Terrier Rescue of East Tennessee (where Sammy came from). Here is a list of their current adoptable Bostons.
Labels: Family
