Thursday, October 30, 2008


Red State Update: Maryville Townhall Meeting

Tuesday night at Maryville College was a special night. In fact, it might have been the most raucous night at Maryville College since the school's one keg party (which is a legend that still lives to this very day).

Jackie & Dunlap of Red State Update held a Townhall Meeting at Maryville College - which, as one alumnus puts it, is the school that put the "liberal" into the "liberal arts college" - in an effort to both entertain and enlighten. At least one of those goals was achieved Tuesday night. When informally polled by Dunlap, about 20 of the nearly 200 people packed into the venue showed some support for John McCain (and those would have been me, a few elected Republicans, some of Lamar Alexander's staff, and about 7 students). You can guess who had the other 180 people (although there wasn't much guessing who the women wearing all purple and carrying a black mannequin head with a purple wig were supporting - at least they took off their tin foil hats for the show). Dunlap said that he understood, though, because all Maryville College students had to take an oath while touching the Covenant Stone (that sits in the middle of campus) to vote Democratic for the rest of their natural lives.

Jackie and Dunlap did a great job with improvisation, especially given that Maryville College's sound system was apparently the same one used by Marx when he was trying to redistribute wealth. Early on, the microphones were discarded (forcing Dunlap to disrobe, much to the delight of the female members of the crowd), and the boys went on the strength of their own voices for the rest of the night. This also cut out several of the musical numbers, but there were plenty of songs to keep the crowd going.

Jackie & Dunlap heavily involved the audience in the show. From the start, they worked the room, even saying that I looked like a judge (which sounds like my first endorsement for a random judgeship should I decide to run for one). Many ground rules were also in effect, including that hope would not be mentioned ("There is no hope here."), that military pandering and pandering to the Religious Right would be mandatory, and that one segment would have to be devoted to saving the environment.

Jackie sang a new song, which may have been titled "Need a Little Churchin' Up." I'm pretty sure that it sets a new international record for the number and variety of bestiality references, but I will have to check with Guinness.

Other topics discussed were Al Gore's negative tanning beds ("sucks the tan right out of him"), the need for Dunlap to sell their latest CD, "How Freedom Sounds," because he's up to his neck in a time share pyramid scheme, Obama's ties to William Ayres ("What kind of p^%$@ terrorist has a living room?"), how McCain should have had an Obama impersonator do some robocalls that made Obama sound like a hippy on drugs, and how one -ism has been put down ("sexism") but that it doesn't help Joe Biden (who suffers from "assholeism").

Dunlap then channeled Conway Twitty (or so he said) and sang a little ditty that involved him sexually harassing the women in the audience. As you can tell from the picture above, Dunlap had the women all over him, to the point where I almost had to call for security to help him for fear of him being hurt by the co-eds in the crowd.

Shimmy Sham, the liberal dummy, also made an appearance. However, he was short-lived, since he's on the faculty at Maryville College and had to attend a faculty meeting.

There were a few other revelations during the show. Jackie revealed that he probably wouldn't run for President in 2012 because he doesn't want to upset Sarah Palin. (I can't be sure, but I think Jackie might be a bit sweet on the Alaskan Governor...) Also, Jackie and Dunlap revealed that they have a big time fan in the person of Karl Rove. (They said that I could announce this here, and that they would be making a big announcement about it on a later YouTube.) Apparently, before they left to come to Blount County, the boys received a letter from Karl Rove - in his actual handwriting. It's just another sign of how much influence this duo from the 'Boro are gaining.

Their fame isn't going to their heads, though. They stood around, talked with fans, posed for pictures, and signed autographs for an extended period of time after the show.

I had a great time. If you're ever lucky enough to have Jackie and Dunlap come near your town for a Townhall Meeting, fake debate, or even a bar mitzvah, make sure to check them out.

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I know you are a professed conservative, so let me explain. I will type slowly.....the guys are actors, which means, Karl Rove letter aside, they are probably liberals. Bummer 4 U. And never ever again disparage my Purple Headed Highness or you shall suffer the full wrath of the skeleton. Skelly D. Skeleton that is.
Skelly -

Like this is the first time that an inanimate liberal object has called me out on this blog...


I hope you went up and said "Hi!" I dropped them an email that you would be there and would probably say "Hello."
I told them I want to write a movie script for them. They need a good script to really get them going. I think their humor and writing is just has good as Foxworthy, and they need the right break.
Anyhow, I hope you met them!
I wish I could see those guys. Australia needs a Red State Update! (Which would actually be the "liberal" party in my country...:P)

But yeah, unfortunately Skelly is correct; Dunlap (Jonathan Shockley) is (or at least was) a card-carrying member of the Democratic party.
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