Thursday, November 02, 2006


LSU Fans Smell Like Corndogs

Just to prove that you never know what to expect here at VOLuntarilyConservative...

A few years back, an Auburn fan who goes by the Rivals username "DeepBlue" posted this controversial dissertation about LSU fans. It has become legend ever since, and it received much play last year during the lead up to Tennessee's remarkable comeback against the Tigers in Death Valley. Therefore, without further adieu, I give you the story of LSU fans and their facination with battered meat on a stick:


LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at Internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer: "Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely
punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in
their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows? Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufe' or some fancy Cajun food." But just stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of
corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the Bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole
messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corn dog valley either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or
something. They'll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.
So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this
Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...



Well, I forced myself to read all the way through that. What a waste of human energy. Came out sort of like a brain fart, instead of humor.

Why not use your column space to compare two very good ball teams and two very good schools? Why stereotype?

Well, Corn dogs or Hillbillie Stump Jumpers, The scoreboard on Saturday will be all that matters.
Joe -

"Why not use your column space to compare two very good ball teams and two very good schools?"

Uh, because it's my site...

I could compare the two teams, but I'm not sure if you'd like what I had to say about LSU QB JarJarBinks...


I was at first impressed that this Auburn fan could take it that far. Wow, I've never seen so much Corn Dog talk...other than maybe at a state fair.

Then, it just seemed like one of those bad SNL skits that goes on WAAAAAAY too long.

As for the LSU QB...I'd much rather have him than you're hobbled little boy who's gonna be eating turf all day Saturday. I was at that Monday nighter last year (Monday night college games suck by the way) and that was a painful second half/OT to watch. Revenge will be so sweet.
Scott -

I'd take a healthy Ainge over JarJarBinks.

After Saturday, you might be saying that you'd take a healthy Jonathan Crompton over JarJarBinks, too...


Rob, Rob, Rob,
As a graduate of both LSU (undergrad) and UT (law school), I know that both schools' fans like to talk about their opponenets - but that corn dogs thing just was not funny - no matter who it was written about, it just wasn't funny. Surely you could have come up some original insults . . . that being said, it will be a very good game Saturday. Looking forward to it.
Well, you might not know football, but at least you know good politics. Re Saturday's'll be a great battle. The best team will come out on top. Needless to say, I hope the Tigers eat the Hillbillies. I least you have one good thing going for you...your politics. I'm a Thompson admirer from way back.
Geaux Bush.....Geaux Tigers...
Let the games begin......
..jim o'b, baton rouge
Hey, Hillbilly:
You have one thing on your choose good politics. Re football, go back to school. Tell you one thing, it'll be a battle between two giants. Wish I could be there to see the look on your face at about five-thirty.....
Geaux Tigers....
.jim o'b, baton rouge LSU '55
I always knew Hillbillies had no sense of humor, you just proved me right. Now if you all said we smelled like jambalaya and leftover crawfish shells, maybe mold!, THAT would have been funny. Corn dogs - that's something YOU ALL eat. We have discerning palattes down here, thank you very much. Have you not stopped at our fabulous tailgaters??? We do share, even if you're weating orange. Check it out today. No corn dogs. I swear. Sheesh, the last time I had one of those was at the Kentucky State Fair.
Geaux Tigers

Well, jar jar binks it might be, but we'll take our win and our smell back to Baton Rouge.
LMFAO!!!!!! Chaztide85
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