Monday, March 06, 2006


And the Winner Is...

Since no one - especially conservatives - watched the Academy Awards this year, I thought I would take the time to let you know who won. No, I didn't watch them either, but I did see my share of movies last year, and I'm sure these are the winners who the Academy would have given those pretty awards.

Best Picture, Walk the Line
Best Actor, Joaquin Phoenix
Best Actress, Reese Witherspoon
Sound Mixing

Having taken in over $115 million in the U.S. alone, the Academy might have felt obliged to punish Walk the Line for the cardinal sin of being a movie that people wanted to pay money to watch. In the eyes of the Academy, this is heretical, because if you made something that people like, you must not have been acting against the culture, and - let's face it - that is what Hollywood is all about these days. However, not even the Academy could deny Walk the Line and its two main actors from the gold statues. Heck, Phoenix and Witherspoon even recorded their own versions of Johnny Cash's songs. What other actor or actress is going to do that - George Clooney? Philip Seymour Hoffman? I don't think so...

Art Direction
Best Original Score
Visual Effects - The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe

Narnia was another excellent film from 2005 that faces the curse of people actually wanting to watch it, having earned over $287 million as of a few weeks ago. The Academy will also want to saddle Narnia with what is known as "The Passion" curse, which doesn't allow movies with Christian themes into the competition altogether. However, since Walk the Line is taking all of the major awards, the Academy will let these few statues go through the wardrobe to Narnia.

Best Original Screenplay, Batman Begins
Best Supporting Actor, Liam Neeson

This movie also faces a double-whammy curse, that being that people went to see it at the theater (over $205 million earned) and it is based on a comicbook character. However, this was the best installment of the Batman movies, and Christian Bale would be the taking home Best Actor if Walk the Line had been released past the qualifying deadline. Neeson, who is both instructive in the movie as well as fiendish, takes Best Supporting Actor in a year where no other supporting cast really stood out. In fact, no one really qualifies for the Best Supporting Actress category, so we're going to skip that one.

And that's it, folks. The rest of the categories will be carried over until next year, with the minute hope that Hollywood can produce something worthy of being called "award-winning." Aren't you glad that you didn't have to listen to that long, boring, self-gratifying awards show last night hosted by the guy who they use as a warm-up act for Stephen Colbert on Comedy Central?

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